I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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