I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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