sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
