Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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