Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We need to get me chipped asap
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
