That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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