so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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