There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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