My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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