Where did you get a picture of my penis
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
