I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
