Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
