I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You had me at "let me see your balls"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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