bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
