hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
