My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Never let your siblings swipe right.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
