I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
false alarm, still single
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize