I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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