now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
