i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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