Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
