anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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