are you so shy because you have an std?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
