I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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