Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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