i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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