If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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