if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
