Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
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