things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
