A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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