Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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