i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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