I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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