Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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