Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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