You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
