when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
