...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
