I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This baby is an asshole
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
