Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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