well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
