you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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