mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
