I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
is it fun? or sober?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize