my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
