you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
