I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
