you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
how drunk are you?
Several
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
