This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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