There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize