So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
