The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
