I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
