Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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