So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize