There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
only you would photoshop your dick
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
