Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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