I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
