Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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