the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize